""-

I'm going to open up a start by saying that this is one of those extremely long thought out journals about life. It delves with my life, the life of an old friend and ex lover, and where life is going.

Once in a while everyone comes across something that makes them think "wow I'm old" no matter how old you really are. I'm almost 20 and yet because of my life I feel like an old man every single day, and I feel older with each passing memory. I am no longer just muscle and sinew, I let my body go when I lost hope, and I won't get that hope back until I get to Montana. I've got a gut, it shows, I don't care, I'll get back into shape in Montana. I've bought new clothes that fit better, not because I care what I look like but because I like them to be comfortable. I have insomnia, sometimes I sleep and other times I don't. Most of the time I sleep for four or five hours and wake up and just stay awake. To date I can honestly when I go to bed before midnight I wake up at 2:00am, 4:00am, and 6:00am on the number. If I fall back asleep after that I wake to my alarm set for 12:00pm or I don't fall back asleep. Tonight was a sleepless night. I emailed Mekiah because I was bored and to my surprise she responded. We talked for a few hours about various things and she introduced me to one of her furry comics which I read because I needed something to do between emails. Well it was more like

"I can't sleep and I'm feeling philosophical."

And she replied with...

"Here, this actually sounds like the whole lot of us from start to finish, should keep your mind going."

So I read the entire thing in three hours, and I really liked it. But the comic is not the focus, if anything it just kinda filled my mind with what I needed to write this. Earlier tonight (erm... it's 3:30am... last night) Sarah and I decided to put her famous deck on MTGS, and while when we finished we started just talking and it drifted. The first time I beat the deck, when she won major tournaments with it, and so on and so forth. And then she asked me a question I never thought I'd hear. She asked if I ever missed being a kid or if I ever missed the days when we were together. To the first... no, because my childhood was so off that I live it now, and everyone says they wouldn't trade the world for my childish moments. I have no idea why, but everyone sees me in so many different lights. Sarah says it's because I can go from being so dead serious to all of a sudden laughing over the most mundane childish things. Because I can say something completely and totally random and get looks like I'm insane that make almost everyone smile. And she says the best part of it all is when I'm proud of something I did, because I look and act like a kid who was rewarded for doing something good. I can always can count on her to tell me the truth, even if I don't know it myself. As for the second... yes. I do miss it. I do miss her random bouts of "You wanna do something? Let’s go do it" no matter what it was. I do miss the both of us staring at girls in public using the old "Are you thinking what I'm thinking" line. And most of all, I miss waking up to her every morning. I miss waking up and hearing her random wake up lines, I miss waking up and thinking "I never want to get out of this bed." And Roze knows this, because pound for pound, she and Sarah are a lot alike. I dare say that Roze and Sarah are different in one way. Sarah is like me and hates humanity. Roze thinks that Humanity is good and everyone has a chance. A pure case of pessimism vs. optimism. I love it when Roze randomly gets me things, I love it when she shows up out of nowhere. I love it when we argue about nothing because it always ends in laughter. I love it when we play MTG against each other because it's so easy to work everything up in some fashion to where making bad moves is smart. But the one thing I miss about Sarah that I miss even more with Roze is waking up. I've only ever awoken to her once... and it was the best wake up call of my life, and I know that I continually wake up lonely every day wishing that she was there next to me. Anyhow, when Sarah and I finished talking she hugged me and wouldn't let go. She said "Don't ever change Seth, because it is the you that everyone has fallen for and it is the you that will keep them strong." I let that sink in for a long time, and I think it was that which kept me up all night. When I finished the comic Mekiah sent me we talked a lot like how Sarah and I did, about life the past, the future, etc. And she ended with the same note Sarah did, only it was more about me going for me then me going for everyone else. She said "You've fought and killed to become who you are, and you've fought long and hard for what you've earned. Don't ever let other discourage in you that. Let them only know that you earned what you have and they have nothing to show for their own life." And again I thought long and hard and then started writing this journal. I know I'm childish at times but I never know when, I never know what it is about that aspect that attracts people, and I never think about it. Because if I think about it I lose it. I know what I've earned, and I know that it means life will only get harder. But I have Roze, and in the end that's all I really need to get through the day. I want to wake up next to her. I want to come home to her and sleep next to her. I want her to know that no matter how hard and tired she is at the end of the day, she can always come to me and sleep where ever I am, because wherever I am is home. I never really cared where I went in life as long as I had someone and I have her. I don't care if I succeed in life, I don't care if we have a big house or a small apartment. And I wish more then anything else in the multiverse that I could fall asleep next to her and wake up next to her just once before I leave.

Never take your life for a stone's throw, never let someone else tell you how to live. You go out and you fight for yourself and you earn your rewards because in the end it's what YOU do to make it not what some religion or boss, or family tells you. Nothing and no one should be able to hold something over your head to the point that it makes you not want to fight back. If you want to do something and someone tries to stop you, then listen to what they have to say, but if what you want to do override their argument, do it. Your life is no ones but your own, and I know a lot of people who can learn a lot from that.

Seth